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I’d like to sit here and blame other people for what happened in the last 72 hours, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in my lifetime is that it’s me, all me to blame. I knew for weeks that I wasn’t feeling right but I kept pushing it further and further back. I knew that I had stopped working out, I knew that I stopped taking my vitamins regularly, I knew I wasn’t drinking enough water, and I knew I wasn’t eating right. But I just kept on going because “I’ll start again tomorrow.” But when you have mental issues, trauma issues, abandonment issues—tomorrow sometimes never comes. Thankfully it did for me, but it was in the form of doing the one thing I said I’d never do. I never wanted my issues to affect anyone else. If anything I did everything in my power to make sure everyone else was good. Which became a problem. I stopped saying if anything was wrong because I knew others were fighting their own battles. But when I drank it all came out. And for weeks it came out in such unhealthy ways and was directed at people who didn’t deserve the harsh words or the backlash. I hurt people and that’s what’s bothering me the most.
I feel very numb, emotionless, but the pain is still there because I keep crying. I think they are the tears I pushed back for so long while convincing every one I was so happy with my life. Honestly though, I was. I felt like for the first time in my life I accomplished something- but every day thoughts would run through my head, flash backs of random shit from my childhood- and I just figured it was part of the process. I was reminded who I was during my darkest day and that’s because of other people- the same people I didn’t think gave to fucks about what I had to say. Even when I wrote my blog, I didn’t think anyone was actually reading it. But message after message came through from people telling how much my writing had helped them, how my own minor accomplishments inspired them, and that my ability to speak out was admirable. I stopped all of that. I sat at my computer for months and couldn’t write anything and I wanted to so badly but my brain just wasn’t pushing out words. Even during those moments, I knew something wasn’t right because I was struggling to do the one thing I loved doing, the one thing that was never hard for me to do. Something inside was blocking anything from coming out and I was well aware. I started having nightmares, I ignored them. I stopped paying my bills on time, I accumulated more debt after paying it all off. I lost sight of the one goal I wanted, which was to buy a house. I started drowning myself with things I didn’t need. I really was losing control. And I knew it. But instead of saying anything- I just kept saying “I’ll start again tomorrow.” Tomorrow never came and when it did I was binge drinking for 3 days. As I look back at text messages- I can piece together what happened. And this is me being as honest as I possibly can: I got drunk Saturday night and had an argument. I said fucked up shit and a few hurtful words were said back, but I honestly think I pushed it. From that, every moment replayed in my head and reverted me back to childhood shit and bad relationships. Then it kept snowballing- I felt worthless. I replayed every moment in my life that I ever felt bad about myself. Being raped, being abused, daddy issues, losing my mom, emotionally abusive relationship, having a knife held to my neck, even that one stupid memory of almost being kidnapped. Over and over and over again. I got up, got another bottle and just kept going. I just didn’t want to think anymore, I didn’t want to feel anything- I just wanted to wake up and it all to be magically gone. But even I knew, I wasn’t doing it the right way. At one point I thought about finding somewhere to get help but that was too rough on my pride- so I kept going. I wasn’t sleeping anymore either. Maybe an hour here and there but definitely not enough. I made plans with someone who took advantage of my mindset and used his money to “woo” me. I knew I didn’t want to go, but I went. I don’t remember much after leaving my house though. I vaguely remember speaking to a valet driver, I remember waking up to this person rubbing my back and I immediately asked him to stop and to leave. He did. I’m not exactly sure what happened during the time I walked into that hotel to that moment. Said person left a bottle of moonshine that I proceeded to continue drinking. I recall looking at my phone and seeing tons of missed phone calls and messages. I think I messaged a few people back, telling them I was okay- I was alive, but I wasn’t okay. I continued to drink. I then woke up, confused. I looked out the window not even sure I was in Colorado at that point… eventually my breakdown came to a halt. From about 3am-9am I sat in the bathtub crying and sleeping. I started cleaning up the hotel room and I saw the two bottles completely empty in the living room area of the room. Tequila and moonshine. Gone. I left the hotel, scared. Scared I’d walk around the corner and the man I kicked out would come back, scared the police were there, scared to look at anyone. I got in the elevator, a man asked how I was and I couldn’t respond back. I walked to my car and I didn’t even park correctly- which is something I’m usually pretty picky about. I noticed I was low in gas- I had $7 to my name- I spent money and nothing to show for it. The entire time my phone is going off, people asking how I was, where I was, if I was getting help, and sending me addresses to places to get help. I appreciated it all, but I was highly embarrassed and scared. It’s still hard for me to look at anyone or to speak. Writing is my thing so here I am with this shit again (haha). After getting back to my house I really just wanted to sleep but I looked over and saw more tequila- I was very tempted. At that moment, my son texted asking a question and I knew he knew nothing about what his mom had done or been through for the last 24 hours and it occurred to me what really mattered. I got in my car and headed to the mental health crisis center- I didn’t want anyone to go with me, as many offers came through. I parked behind the building, sat in the car and cried. I was shaking. I questioned running to the liquor store for a few shots just to mellow me out. I walked as slow as I possibly could to that entrance. I even sat at the picnic table and smoked 3 cigarettes just to waste some time. No one was coming in or out of the building so I felt very alone in that moment and incredibly scared. I walked up the stairs and stood there until someone greeted me at the door. I was asked 100 questions about why I was there and at one point I almost got up and just left. I was taken back to the hottest room. I filled out paperwork and as I looked around, there was a camera facing me from every corner. A nurse came in gave me a breathalyzer and she was shocked that I only blew a .01 bac. If she only knew the struggle I had with myself right outside the building. More questions. More tests. She kept checking my eyes, if my sound was okay… I asked for water, calm as a cucumber. She checked my BP, I watched the numbers as the machine beeped—I didn’t know what the numbers meant so I kept sitting there being numb. She said she had to talk to a medical advisor and at that point I perked up a little bit. What was happening? She came back and said my BP and heart rate were at extremely dangerous levels, she was surprised I was so alert. I told her I felt shaky that morning but otherwise I felt pretty okay considering the night I had. She explained to me that I couldn’t be seen until I was physically okay. I felt pretty discouraged, but she told me to come back with discharge papers and I’d receive the help. At this point, I was confused. “Discharge papers? Oh she must mean a doctors note?” I looked at her and her eyes were so big, walking back and forth between the room I was in and the medical professionals office. I grabbed my keys to leave because at this point I figured the sooner I got to the doctors the sooner I’d get this help. She stopped me and said “I have to call 911 right now-are you sure you’re feeling okay?” I called my sister, I texted my friends, I texted my son’s grandparents and then I was greeted my EMS. I could walk, but they wouldn’t let me walk alone- someone walked behind me and someone walked in front of me. A cop pulled up behind the ambulance, the hot tattooed paramedic kept asking all the same questions, all the while wondering how I was so calm—even alert. I was asked if I was seeing things, if I felt light headed, god and I swear the entire medical field in Colorado has to know I’m not allergic to anything at this point. The paramedic led me to the hospital room #98. A few minutes later, I was asked to put on a rob- a few minutes after that I was asked to change into scrubs and to give all my things to security. More questions, tons of fucking questions. A woman from behavioral health spoke to me- she said she was proud of me for going to get help but that I could have put myself in a much worse position. She gave me list after list of places to go to receive help. The doctor came in and told me I shouldn’t even be alert at that moment. She explained alcohol withdrawal and how it works. “It’s not always the shakes” I looked at her, pretty offended, and told her I wasn’t really an alcoholic, I don’t normally drink that much. “10 shots is binge drinking. 2 bottles is beyond that. Your body got used to alcohol being there, you consumed a lot in a small period of time. You’re having withdrawals and we need to get you stable before you can leave. If fluids don’t work, we’ll have to consider other avenues.” My face in that moment was probably similar to a deer in headlights. I’m not sure how long I was there but my ass sure as hell noticed. We, as a community, should pull together and get better beds in those hospitals. They gave me a drug test, the doctor came in and told me that “it wasn’t perfect. You tested positive for marijuana but there was also something else in your system that we couldn’t detect” I don’t recall taking anything else- I don’t know if something was offered to me or given to me. The more the evening went on the more I just couldn’t believe how far I let myself go. They finally let me leave, fluids worked. The security man that sat outside my door finally got something to do besides flinch every time I moved. He got me my things, I changed and no one paid any mind to me as I walked through that emergency department, following signs. I didn’t know where my car was, so I googled the address to the crisis center and luckily it was only a mile away. I walked alone and it was the calmest, most peaceful walk I have ever had. I got lost for a second, its crazy how different things look in the dark. I got scared for a second as every building I walked by had some strange person was hiding in the dark. Probably an employee but scared was kind of my themed emotion yesterday. The doctor advised me to get a good healthy meal ASAP, my response to that was Mcdonald’s. Yea, I’ll try again today. I’m tired, I’m exhausted really. I’m still crying every hour on the hour and I’m still trying really hard not to see anyone. My body hurts. But I don’t feel anything at the same time. I feel very zombie like, however I did sing along very badly to a song this morning. I want to scream how sorry I am to everyone but at the same time, everything that happened, had to. I’m being kept here for a reason and as many times as I’ve cried and begged to just be taken away, He’s keeping me here. I don’t know why and I wonder if I ever will, I wonder if it’s all just a sick joke but I’ll figure it out. I have to, I owe it to my child and I owe it to myself. I am truly sorry.
2 Comments
Anita
12/9/2020 02:25:33 pm
Penny, I can't lie I usually don't read such long posts. I read all of this, my heart aches for you. I will pray for peace and wellness for you. Love Anita.
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Kayla LaFord
12/10/2020 11:32:37 pm
I appreciate your vulnerability. When you least expect it, shit happens. I hit my rock bottom just months into dating my boyfriend (now my husband). I went to AA, counseling, the whole works. This is not to compare our lives or anything to that sort as this happened sans kids and prior to marriage, but life honestly sucks sometimes. We get so caught up in our own lives, we may have very close friends and family and not know why we feel the way we do or how to express our needs to those around us... just know you truly aren't alone and there are people who care for you, even years later.
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Penny's BlogspotJust a place to allow my thoughts to free from my mind. Hopefully you enjoy and it sparks something in you as well.
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